Really, the title should be Closest to Me.
I would say that ever since I can remember, but perhaps not since I was born, I have had a toxic family. This is a rather personal and touchy topic, so I’m not sure how much I’ll divulge just yet, but we’ll find out as I go along.
I didn’t realize it when I was younger, but I was pretty much neglected and abused for the majority of my childhood. I don’t think my family did it out of purposed ill-will (well, none except perhaps one), it just turned out that way because of who they are as individuals, and because of circumstances in life. Only recently have I come to consciously recognize just how toxic my family members are for me. Not all of them, but as a general pod, my family isn’t good for my healthy balance. I recently moved back in with my mother because of my whole I’m changing career paths, I no longer am working, I will be studying again choice. It’s always a struggle living with family after you’ve had adult freedom. I got my first taste of it when I came back. There’s a bit of (a lot of) a tiff within the family right now, my mother and my step-sister being in the center of it all. Of course, any family members nearby get dragged into it though, which is precisely what happened with me.
I’m not going to say what happened, but it resulted in some very terrible words exchanged between my mother and I and one of my brother’s. Some really really awful verbal abuse came out of her mouth toward me, and it honestly pissed me the f*** off, and also hurt my feelings, and made me realize how terrible it is to be with my family, and also how terrible a person she can be. It also showed me how closed off she is too. I know I close myself off from others quite often, especially from family, but wow. She closes herself off from everyone too but with a different method than mine. I recall her saying she can make it on her own without us, and the feeling I had at that exact moment was the two aren’t the same. You can make it on your own, and being without us are two separate things. You can make it on your own, but we can be there while you do that. We can also not be there. It was also at that moment, recognizing my thoughts, that I realized I am so different from her and perhaps the rest of the family. I don’t think anyone in my family would have thought the same thought that passed my mind at that moment.
I can’t say much more without revealing too much, but it makes me feel sad that I feel that I cannot relate to my family or be close to them. It makes it doubly sad to me because I think that at least half of the family thinks I am the one who gets along with everyone/I am the one who is closest to being able to reach out to all the family members. I haven’t figured out much more on how I feel about that. I want to love my family. I say I love my family, or at the very least I care about them. But there are some moments where it seems clear that I don’t act like I love them..