I remember when I was about 14 years old, I had these great dreams of creating an animated story. I was going to draw the pictures myself, and I already had all the great themes and morals thought out that I was going to put in the script. Then I watched a cartoon show that I really loved, and it broke my heart because this show had at least half of all the things I wanted to say already in it, and it did it so well because it made me cry. I was so pleased and so sad that my dreams were already out there, accomplished so damned well, but it wasn’t to my credit.
Now, I still have dreams of putting something out there. My ideas aren’t as solid as the one I had when I was 14, but it’s still somewhere along that path. I feel different now, older just a little bit, but not by a whole lot, and a little more weighed down. At 14 all the teenage drama and angst was definitely in me, but now it’s less drama and angst and more pushing myself. I had all the drive when I was younger, and all the time. Now it feels like my age is something to be used against me, and my time must be given to something besides my dreams (i.e, keeping a roof over my head, feeding myself, maintaining friendships because I don’t want to be lonely and sad when I’m much older). I know it’s all just me holding myself back, but I still can’t help but feel those above listed priorities as, well, important. I can’t ignore basic needs to live, and I can’t ignore those I care about. Okay, maybe I can sometimes. The point is that sometimes I just want to become a recluse in the woods or something like that, and spend all my time not feeling judgment and obligation. Except I don’t know how to survive by camping or anywhere not a concrete jungle to be honest. Like honestly, I’m living in a first world country, regardless of how big or small my city is, it’s still got lots of concrete and lots of convenience.
I’m going to think about camping more. And after I post this, I’m going to go look at the bills I have to pay, and figure out how to deal with my health insurance network. Back to reality.