School Life Update: Personal

It has been a long time, WordPress. This blog post will definitely not be aimed for entertaining anyone besides myself. The audience has been forewarned, so don’t waste your time on reading past this unless you really want to I suppose.

It’s been hectic. Fall 2018. It’s a marker in my life’s timeline. I began my studies for a web design based future career, and I began it excitedly, nervously, and readily. It’s about week six now I believe, and now I’m just scared. I feel a bit overwhelmed, a bit burnt out, and not anywhere do I feel prepared. I had my goals set up, and the timeline for those goals, and I expected to not meet all those goals in an exact and punctual manner, but I expected a small cushion room. Like, maybe a one month delay type of cushion room. Right now, it feels a lot like a one year delay cushion room is going to be needed. It totally scares the heck out of me, because I don’t want to wait that long for my career to begin again. I had my doubts before too, because I know that in me there’s a writer waiting to bloom, but I am putting it on hold for this web design path I chose, even though I feel ready for that writer’s path to begin at the same exact moment I feel ready to begin the web design path. It’s conflicting! It’s confusing! It’s frustrating! I don’t want to know what to do almost!

I have only four classes. An HTML & CSS3 coding class, a Photoshop class, a Flash and After Effects class, and a traditional art Design 1 class. I’m learning a lot, truly. I feel that I am exploring what possibilities can happen with all my computer based classes, and that’s part of why I feel so lost, a bit burnt-out, and overwhelmed. I’m exploring, so I’m putting even more time into these classes than if I were already familiar with the subject (such as the traditional art based Design 1 class; I’ve already taken Design 1 class before, and any art classes from pre-university days were all like it). At the same time that I am exploring these programs and codes, I am expected to have projects ready to turn in on the teachers’ timelines. I honestly would not feel stressed at all by these expectations IF I were more familiar with these subjects. IF I weren’t exploring what I can do with these programs, I’d feel totally fine. However, that’s not the case. I AM exploring all these new programs, and what amazing things I can do with them, so every time there’s a project due, I feel unprepared as is to do them. I don’t want to create half-assed projects. I want to create something beautiful! That’s what these programs were designed for, to create beautiful things. I don’t want to create a half-baked, barely utilizing what these programs can truly offer to do projects to turn in. And that’s perhaps the core of the problem. Perhaps the teachers expect us to turn in some little I explored what I can do to this one thing using this one or two feature(s) available on the program projects. I don’t look at a piece I’m turning in as this is one aspect that will someday become a whole, I want it to be part of a whole. Whether that’s a really simple completed object, or a really complex completed object, it WILL be complete and cohesive as a singular object. I don’t want to showcase any incomplete idea to be graded, rather, to be judged. But there’s such limited time. We have to move on to the next lessons. I have to go to the next class. I have to eat lunch, damnation to sustenance and all.

HA, lord, just now I made the mistake of viewing what else is due on Monday, and realized that I have at least three more assignments to do before my Sunday is over, and I already did two assignments this morning. It’s overwhelming! I want to say I hate it, but I really just hate the time crunch involved. It drives me nuts. What do these teachers expect? Rather, this one teacher now. We’re all most likely full-time students. And just because we had an exam on a class day, how does that somehow turn into now we have to do two units’ worth of work by the same next day? Not our fault you didn’t plan the syllabus to accommodate the exam time. Why do we have to pay for that? And your class requirements are too by the book. Do you honestly think that students who have a full-time schedule can be expected to keep up this type of clockwork? Do homework reading, go to class, listen to lecture based upon the homework reading (attentively), watch video based upon the reading and lecture post-class, take a quiz based upon the reading, lecture, and video post-video, do new homework reading. That’s just for one class. Now we have to do that for at least three other classes. That does NOT include the extra time we have to put into each subject in order to fully understand/grasp the content meaning and skills. Classes themselves last at least 1.5 hours each, almost always with at least a 45 minute break between each class, plus driving time to school and then to home, -time time time. Take into the fact that we also have to eat, perhaps work, sleep, shower, and other responsibilities to just exist within society? How in the world can it happen? That would be expecting a person to stay “ON” 24 hours. Sleep wouldn’t be something pleasant, it would become a function necessary to support everything else. Down-time may be time not spent well, or time spent doing absolutely nothing productive, but it’s essential to health, all aspects of health. It’s processing time. It’s time to absorb everything that has happened, and catch up with it all mentally, physically, emotionally.

I am behind. On all the readings for all of my classes. I do not want to feel as if I have to give up a part of my personal time in order to put it into class time. Not to this extent at least. I have a three day weekend, because my schedule is set for classes M-Th. I’m not an extreme procrastinator. If I am feeling this way right now, how do these other regular students with schedules M-F feel? I took one day off to do what I wanted Saturday, and it leaves me so bogged down in classwork that I might not even have my Sunday evening to myself. I don’t think it should be like this. Why should our lives have to feel like a well-oiled rigging machine in order for us to feel “good” or like things in our lives are “functioning”? We can’t be machines, damnit. That’s not life. I can’t commit to believing that a “waking at x-hour, morning get ready routine, do at least half responsibilities in the morning, have lunch, take a scheduled break, do the rest of the half of responsibilities, have dinner, shower, get ready for bed, sleep by x-hour, rinse and repeat in varied algorithms of the above” schedule is somehow meaningful and worth sticking to.  Am I being greedy? Is 24 hours really enough, and I’m just not as good at time management as I thought I was? Is the only way to do things satisfyingly to work like clock machine? Which, by the way, needs to be reset for time to time too because they also either get ahead or slow down. Sigh. I’m weary. I’m tired. I don’t want to feel this way, not weary/tired, but… this whole message, blog post. I don’t want to feel this way.

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